


i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

by wckdroot



Series: river song and her doctor [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, One Shot, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, it's sad sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25212055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wckdroot/pseuds/wckdroot
Summary: It was the first time she had been here, sat in the very graveyard she lost her best friends in, facing the stone that now held three names.the doctor grieves for the family she lost, her Ponds.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Series: river song and her doctor [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975666
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'the night we met' by lord huron

It was the first time she had been here, sat in the very graveyard she lost her best friends in, facing the stone that now held three names.

  
_In loving memory_   
_Rory Arthur Williams_   
_Aged 82_

  
_And his loving wife_   
_Amelia Williams_   
_Aged 87_

  
_And their daughter_   
_Melody Pond_   
_when you least expect it but always when you need it the most there is a song_

  
River wasn't there really. 

  
Her consciousness still remained in the library, guarded by the Vashta Nerada. Nardole had removed what was left of her body and hidden it from the universe, even from the Doctor, she may have been mostly human but River still had some of the DNA of the Timelords and every species of the universe would rip apart galaxies to get some. 

  
Her last face had arranged the grave but had never had the strength to go, it was too final, still too much of an ending. But now, after hearing Graham's anguish at losing Grace, she felt ashamed she hadn't. 

  
Her tenth face hadn't known what he had lost. The floppy haired idiot had wasted his time with her, consumed with his annoyance and anger at her knowing who he was, knowing his name and knowing more about him than he ever thought he would tell another soul. That face had been too wrapped up in losing Rose - she had always been a sucker for a blonde. He had walked out of that library and didn't even feel the need to look back. It was the last time for millennia that the Doctor wouldn't be grieving for River Song.

  
Her eleventh face had had the most of River. He had married her, been killed by her and been the one to say their final goodbye. He had spent centuries running in and out of her life, he had watched her become Professor River Song, the woman who loved the Doctor. It had been easier for him to avoid the inevitably of her death when he was seeing her nearly every night for centuries. It was easier to try and pretend to hate her after she told Amy to go the angel, it was easier to reason that was why he wasn't visiting her now he knew she was out of Stormcage. Now that she was one step closer to that one fateful trip to Darillium, one step closer to her death.

  
Her twelfth face had those twenty-four years, the domestic bliss of Darillium. After their last night on Darillium, grief had overcome him. He had taken the role of Missy's guard as an excuse not to travel in the TARDIS, what was the point if there was no more River waiting on the other side? He had managed to become even angrier at the universe, angry at himself, now it was over, no more spoilers - _no more River_.

  
And now she sat in front of the gravestone of her wife, River's leather jacket wrapped around her, wishing for just one more time. One more 'Hello Sweetie", one more kiss.

  
"River, I don't even know what I am anymore. I don't even think I have the strength to figure it out. You're the only one who would understand. I can't explain it to my fam, they're so human - _too human_. I need you, I guess I always have. We were more alike than we thought y'know. The beginnings of our own species. I _need_ you sweetie and I'm not strong enough to do this without you"

  
Tears spilt down her cheeks as she cracked. She was the only Pond left alive, she would technically be a Song if she went by her own rules but Pond's were cool. Pond's were the best.

  
"Ponds, I'm sorry I couldn't keep her safe. I tried my best I really did. She was the one that did the protecting in the end. She always looked after me, just like you asked Amelia, even now. She was- _is_ the best wife I could ever have asked for."

  
The chain that held her wedding ring hung heavily around her neck as she spoke. 

  
After her regeneration, she had been convinced it was lost to the universe or the endlessness of the TARDIS. However, one night when she had been sat on her half empty bed, thumbing through the pages of River's diary, the TARDIS had called for her and directed her too what used to be Amy & Rory's room - bunk beds still intact. Next to her old copy of Melody Malone, Amy's necklace that held a golden 'A' and a slightly singed fez, sat her wedding ring. She had cried fresh tears that night as she slid the wedding ring onto the chain of Amy's necklace and placed it around her neck. 

  
Her Pond's, they were always there to her.

  
"River, I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough to come to the library. I'm still the selfish old man you married, except now I'm just a selfish old woman and I know if I ever saw you again, the real you, I would never leave. I promise one day when the universe doesn't need me anymore, I will show up at the library with a new haircut and my best suit and me and you, River Song, will have eternity together. We can have the life we choose, time and space won't get a say. Just me and my bespoke psychopath - sounds like heaven."

  
The Doctor pulled her body up from the cold ground, the Manhattan wind freezing her ears and scratching her reddened cheeks. She reached into the pockets of River's jacket, silently thanking the TARDIS for teaching River how to make them bigger on the inside, and pulled out the framed photograph. It was taken at the Pond's anniversary party, Amy and Rory smiling happily as River stared gleefully into the Doctor's eyes, her hands fiddling with his bowtie. She smiled reminiscently as she placed the photograph down in front of the grave. 

  
She kissed her fingers and gently stroked them across the curve of the stone before she spoke.

  
"See you around Ponds."

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted too right from the doctor's perspective as i haven't really had the opportunity in my other fanfiction yet!! 
> 
> if you have any oneshot suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comments <3
> 
> @timegirlfriends on tumblr  
> @wckdroot on twitter


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